date yourself

date yourself

11/11/2014

POSTED IN:

DATE:

11/11/2014

POSTED IN:

DATE:

“Wait… that’s Valentine’s Day.”

He gave me a sly sideways glance and said he knew.

We were walking back to my car after the opening ceremonies of the winter Olympics. He had held my hand as we sat too close on the couch watching Wayne Gretzky ride in the back of a pickup truck down the streets of Vancouver, but I don’t remember much else of the programming since my brain was a little distracted by his fingers interlaced with mine.

As he led the way to the parking lot, he asked if I’d like to hang out on Sunday. My stomach felt like the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil had decided to practice in it, so of course I said yes.

He jogged up to me, blonde hair shining in the bright sun, sunglasses covering eyes I had yet to stare into, and a long-stemmed red rose in his teeth, his plaid shirt making him look like a burly lumberjack-turned-tango dancer. The guys in his dorm were crowded around the window, hootin’ & hollerin’ at us as he opened his car door for me.

We walked along the river, our conversation floating between school and friends, family and dreams. We talked about what we wanted, and he had an answer ready for me.

Me? I desperately wanted to have an answer for him. I gave him one, mostly agreeing with his opinion, but I think it was formed just about as solidly as the steam from my breath as I spoke.

I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I needed.

I just didn’t know.

I’ve learned a lot since then; the laws of the French Press, how to navigate airport security, and when it’s appropriate to pull out the Latin phrase for “like a boss.”

I’ve also learned a lot about what I want. And what I need.

Those lessons didn’t come overnight. If you’ve ever asked yourself what you want and been met with the loud sound of overwhelming silence from your brain – you’re not alone. Wants and needs can be different, yes. I’ve learned that some things I want are extravagant when compared to what I need.

A grande peppermint mocha with whip instead of a tall Americano, for example.

date_yourself-001

I take myself for walks along the river now.

I grab a coffee first, read a little of a book I was recently recommended, and people watch. It settles me into intentional alone time, a space for me to enjoy my company, listen to my thoughts, and be honest with myself.

I’ve wasted much too much of my life pretending to need something other than the thing I need.

How silly of me! I don’t have time for anything less than authentic. My heart wants to go deep, to sit in those uncomfortable places that good things seem to sprout from, to be moved by love and loss, to ache from joy so that the ache from heartbreak isn’t so lonely anymore.

So I date myself.

Not as a substitute for dating someone, but because I want to know myself. I am much better at speaking what’s on my heart if I first and foremost know what the heck is on my heart.

If I can’t tell others what I need, what I want, how can I let them help me? How can I let them fully know me if I don’t know myself?

Oh yes, some things will be discovered with the insight from other people. They will draw out things that perhaps I didn’t see, that perhaps God is asking them to draw out of me. Those people – bless them. God sure knows how to speak to me through other people.

But I don’t need an official date to ask me questions about my life if I want to know the answers now. Figuring myself out is a conversation I like to have with myself first.

And God. He’s really good at the whole listening & giving wise advice thing.

So I date myself.

 

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  1. Justine Russo

    November 12th, 2014 at 4:13 am

    OHMYSTARS LAURA! This is hands down the best blogpost you have EVER EVER written!!! I wish I had read it 10 years ago! Where were you when I was 18?!?! oh yea, too young ;) haha seriously though. Laura this is amazing. I have read it 3x already! God is calling you to do BIG things and to inspire people! I LOVE YOU! :)

  2. Jacinthe Soulard

    November 12th, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Laura, this is a gorgeous piece of writing. I enjoyed this post IMMENSELY! Thank you for sharing this. Although I’ve navigated some (or most) of those seas you seem to have navigated yourself, I appreciate both your taking the time to write this, and the way you’ve said it. I pray it blesses the young ladies who will read this in the future. You have a beautiful soul, Laura. Keep those personal posts coming! They’re by far the best you write. :)

  3. Danika Brady

    November 13th, 2014 at 1:58 am

    Love it x

  4. Joyce Rempel

    November 13th, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    From a woman on the other side of the spectrum, bravo. Glad you have learned this early in your adult life – took me two decades. It will serve you well. Glad to get this peek into your heart.

  5. Lauren Kyfiuk

    November 13th, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Wow, this is breathtaking Laura.
    Laura, thank you for being so open and honest with yourself and the world. It challenges others to do the same. I feel like reading this challenged me to be fearless, and fearlessly “be”. Keep writing please.

  6. Krista Cook

    November 14th, 2014 at 1:59 am

    FABULOUS post!! Brilliant and beautiful…. had me captured from start to finish and reflecting deeply on how I spend my time with myself. Thank you for being so open and honest to the world!

  7. Krista Cook

    November 14th, 2014 at 1:59 am

    FABULOUS post!! Brilliant and beautiful…. had me captured from start to finish and reflecting deeply on how I spend my time with myself. Thank you for being so open and honest to the world!

  8. Mary Dunn

    November 14th, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    Thanks for sharing Laura, it was so inspiring!

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    November 27th, 2014 at 6:46 am

    And further, you create words of inspiration that connect with me beyond anything else. I truly love that your mind works as it does and I am thankful for it. I feel like you would be able to jump in my head and find very similar thoughts and feelings floating around. That makes me feel a sense of serenity; I am not the only one. You keep being the definition of awesome: inspiring great admiration.

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